What about my life this April? Hmm… well… as I mention before, sooner or later I have to choose the best way to living my life. So, I did. I have decided. And today I will take the first step. The first big step of this whole new unpredictable journey.
Did I mention how afraid I am? Trust me… this fear has been haunting me for months and it’s definitely took a lot of courage from my heart, my mind and my soul, all of myself,… to finally hearten me to take the step and then keep walking into this dark tunnel without feel sorry or guilty. The thing is, if you think I truly sure that my decision is the best thing I ever had to decide, that I have confidence in choosing the right path, you are so wrong. Yes, My heart feel that I had to do this, but my mind keep think “it’s not the right time, wait for a while…and on…and on”. Then my soul just wondering around in the middle, go on to the both side, back and forward all the time, try to listen and follow the one which is the voice of my God. Even until now, I am still wondering whether I have chosen the best.
Doubt has been my best friend this whole month. To be Honest, I am tired accompanied by Doubt. Doubt is not a good friend, which I can easily understand. He plays around with my thought, my faith and my true heart. He tests all the things that I thought matter in life. He quests my life, my existence for the world, my destiny, my dreams for Him, and then my whole self, body and soul. He chases my thought to the path I never know I have passed it before, but the fact is… I did. I have been through this several times and somehow Doubt always there for me. He has been a friend to encourage and help me discovering the hidden self of mine. He assists me to realize that- it is okay to not knowing the answer of his questions. It is fine to know nothing…because nothingness itself is a significant knowledge, which leads soul to a better side of enlightens. Doubt has teach me how to accept life just the way it is.
Because of doubt, I feel stupid. Because of doubt, I become a fool. As fool as a girl like me can be. And the best thing is, because of doubt… I dare to be a fool. (^^). After all, there is no right as well as no wrong answers. I just do what I think and feel right. It is my life, my history, my present, my future for Him. In the end, I just want to feel alive, to celebrate His Love in all my mistakes and works. I am just trying to be a better woman by living my life through what I thought is His will for me. So here I am, endeavor my unexplored dreams to reality for something-I-have-not-discovering-yet with the talents-I-think-I-might-have. Sigh… A fool, I am. Knowing nothing is scary, but it is better than never realize it at all. It guides me to fulfill my hunger and thirst. It allows me to seek everything.
(^^) So I guess, for this month, I thank my truly Love for His great permission for me to become a completely fool girl. Hope, He never stop teaches, guides, and loves a fool like me. (Amen).
PS: Hmmm…be a friend, would you? In time, I cannot accept myself as a fool; remind me to read 1 Corinthians 1:26-29. =p. It works like a charm to me. (^^)v.